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I have learned that sometimes in life you have to make big decisions. Yesterday I made a few big decisions which included::

A. To take a new job or stay at my current job- I choose current job
B. How to celebrate my raise- high calories or healthy- I choose high calories (with the help of the Boyfriend)
C. Which icecream to get a the store- Bryer’s 1/2 gallon or skinny cow bars- I choose Bryer’s (it took a good 5 minutes in front of the freezer)
D. To get the candy corn or not- I choose candy corn (after I put it back 3 times!)
E. Eat the entire 1/2 gallon or not- I ate it all
F. Throw away the candy corn or not- threw it away

I made 2 good decisions in my entire day. TWO! I don’t know why my binge eating starts, I do not know how to control the cravings and to say “no” to myself. I bought a book that is supposed to help, so I am going to continue reading it.

Things I am going to do:

-stick a picture to my fridge
-create a journal
-follow tosca reno’s clean eating plan A
-exercise and stop making excuses

Things I ate from 3pm til 8pm:
– 3 fiber one bars (420 calories)
-3 string cheeses (180 calories)
-slice of pizza (400 calories)
-candy corn (300 calories)
-1/2 gallon of icecream (1200 calories)

That is 2,500 calories- 2 days worth of calories consumed in 5 hours. How? Why?

It is the worst feeling in the world. There is self-loathing, uncomfortable fullness, shame, guilt, sadness and anger.

Off to conquer this.

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Ever wake up and know it is going to be a great day, and then suddenly…it is ruined?

I have always been aware of my weight, I always watch calories, I usually exercise 3-5 times a week, but I always, always BINGE.

Bingeing is a scary thing.It makes me sad. It makes me hate myself. This is how it happens for me.

1) I get a craving: I want something sweet, or salty.
2) I resist the craving for a good half hour to hour
3) In the meantime, all I can think about is the food I want, the brand, the flavor I want, how it tastes
4) I finally give in, and then I eat everything I see in sight.

Today this happened…it is what ruined my day. I work at a bakery and haven’t eaten any of their sweets for a month until today…One large cookie turned into another large cookie, then bites of my friends cookie at work, then I took home a lemon bar (had 1/6 of it), then I ate 3 handfuls of cookies I have at home, 2 lime bars, 3 large handfuls of Tostitos tortilla chips and 2 handfuls of Chex cereal. Then I fell asleep.

I am angry at myself. I am sad that I gave in. I am disappointed that I am not stronger. I am BEAUTIFUL. I deserve to love myself everyday when I look in the mirror. I can make healthy decisions. I know how to make healthy decisions.

This is my journey of good days and bad days with eating. This is my journey of losing twenty pounds. This is my journey of NEW THINKING.